Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
