I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
