Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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