looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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