Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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