I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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