I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize