The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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