I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
