Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
