i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
