Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize