Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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