sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
