he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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