I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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