Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
