i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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