so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
