my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
