my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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