he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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