I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
