I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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