You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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