if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
