We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
