A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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