the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
