"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
We were destined to go to rehab together
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
