i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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