my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
We're too hungover to prance.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
