we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
