Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
