Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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