She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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