I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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