If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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