Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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