New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
