I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
