im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Randomize
