even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
