Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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