and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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