I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
