Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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