Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
