What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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