my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Can you bring me the toilet please
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
