How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
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