I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
