So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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