I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
