Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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