I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
